"All right, is everyone ready?" I stood at the front of my class, pointer in hand. This was a particularly rowdy bunch. The typical heroes, some sidekicks, a Mary-Sue. Even two anti-heroes. They always wrote interesting letters/.
"What are we doing here?" Mary-Sue asked. She was already perfect. It was surprising to see her here, honestly. Her writer would never let her write anything less than a cordial, polite letter, even if it was to her antagonist.
"Well, as many of you know, you are the protagonists of a story. Your writers have sent you here to learn how to write polite letters, particularly to your antagonists. As each of you have a unique story, these letters will all be unique, so a cookie cutter form will not do. You must learn how to properly greet, address, and then threaten your antagonist. Shall we begin?"
As I taught, I could actually see some pairs of eyes glazing over. The anti-heroes were making spitballs with their papers, which I didn't mind. I was here to teach them how to write letters, not how to be decent human beings.
"And that is how you write a proper letter to someone you hate. Any questions?" Every hand in the room went up, except Mary-Sue's. Sighing, I added, "That aren't about lunch or sarcastic?"
Every hand went down.
"That's what I thought. Now, you are going to write a letter and submit it to me. This is our only class, so show me that you actually learned something and that this wasn't just a waste of my time."
Pens went to paper, and they began to scribble away.
Most of the letters are hardly worth mentioning, as they were very similar to what I saw every time I taught this class. Perfect grammar, good punctuation, proper language, the whole deal.
One stood out, though, because it actually made me laugh while reading it. I can't remember the last time someone actually used vulgar language in a letter. Apparently, one of the anti-heroes had become so engrossed in the intricate process that is spitball making that he hadn't paid any attention to my lecture.
My dear hated antagonist, it read. Obviously, he hadn't reached the point where he had met the antagonist yet.
I hope this letter finds you well, doing good things that would make your mother proud, as opposed to the last activities I am aware of you engaging in.
What do you think of the weather we've been having? I don't really care for this sun, as it is bad for my complexion. Not to mention that large amounts of sun allow you to charge the death ray that you intend to vaporize New Haven with, which is also rather detrimental to my health.
Of course, that is my own opinion, one not necessarily shared by yourself or others around me. A balance is always best, and we should always strive to find the solution that makes everyone the happiest.
Forever the one who is destined to kick your ass,
Jard The Rogue
P.S. I know where you intend to place the death ray, and wished to politely inform you that I intend to intervene. Of course, this will likely involve either killing you or putting you in jail for what will probably be the rest of your natural life. A warning is only fair. Toodles.
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