Ice

 I was cold. So, so cold. Everything around me was featureless, hidden in the dark. That’s all I remember of my beginning. Cold and dark. And alone. So, so alone. No one to hear me scream.

Eventually, I stopped screaming. It wasn’t worth it, and it meant inviting the cold and dark into myself, something that only made the aloneness worse.

Once, there was a flash of light. Somewhere far above me, for less than a moment. The flash of light was what told me I was alive, that I wasn’t completely alone. But it didn’t happen again.

Not until he came. For the first time, I heard voices, speaking a language I couldn’t comprehend. To me, voices were for screaming, crying, whimpering. I’d never imagined communicating.

Above me, the ceiling of my prison cracked open, letting light come streaming in. Scared, I huddled in the corner.

A man was lowered on a rope, until he stood with me on the floor. For the first time, I wasn’t alone.

I had no idea what he was saying, but the sounds he made were soothing. Eventually, I let him wrap me in a blanket and hold me to his chest, where I could hear his heartbeat. The men he was with pulled us out of my prison.

The world above was huge. My lake bled into the land, the land morphed into trees, the trees blanketed the mountains. High above, the sun gave watery light.

They were all speaking at once. One of them  held me close as the others gathered around. My fear returned. I had no idea what was happening. The warmth of his touch burned, the pain worse than anything inflicted by the cold.

Then, like a bolt of lighting, I caught a word. A single word. Ice. Quietly, I repeated it, rolling the strange sounds in my mouth. 

A moment later, I squeezed my eyes shut, screaming inside with pain. Someone, something, was stabbing into my head, stabbing through my eyes. Black spots filled my vision, the darkness warm and welcoming.

And then it faded. But I was different. The chatter made sense, made words. 

"How did you survive?" one of the men asked. 

"What happened?"

"What's the matter?"

"P-please," I whispered, my teeth chattering. My voice was hoarse from not being used. As they quieted, I became aware of another sensation, of a gnawing at my ribs. A sensation from what can only be called another life. Hunger. "Do you have anything to eat?"

"Of course. Men, back to camp. The poor girl is probably starving." That was the man who'd come into my prison to rescue me. He seemed to be the leader. His eyes were kind when he turned back to me. "What is your name?"

"Eirwen." The name was on my lips before I even considered the question. I didn't know where it had come from, only that it wasn't my name before the ice. 

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "My name is Akio. Let's get you onto a sled."

"A-a sled?"

Akio smiled, wrapping his coat around my shoulders. I hadn't realized that I was cold. After so long, the cold felt like a friend. "Come this way." Even though he must've been freezing, he didn't complain or even shiver.

He helped me into a strange carriage that had a flat bottom rather than wheels. It was pulled by a huge dogs, rather than the horses I expected. 

"Don't worry, Eirwen," he said, tucking thick blankets around me. "You're safe with us."

*****

The dress was beautiful. It hung to the floor, somehow woven with tiny crystals that looked like droplets of ice. Meant to represent the ice I'd come from. Its sleeves seemed to melt away at my wrists, with no discernable line where fabric became skin. Akio's seamstresses were masters.

Once, my hair had been black, as black as the night and the darkness. Now, though, it hung to my waist, a soft curtain of snow. Akio said that he liked it, but I felt ashamed. It was a constant reminder of my frozen prison.

There were whispers that I was a witch. No mortal could survive an ice prison. Not for a minute, and definitely not for the eternity I remembered. Akio told me to ignore them, that I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever met, that he loved me. But, in my heart, I had to admit that I didn't even know the truth. Even a year after I'd been rescued, I still had no idea where I had come from.

Those rumors were not unfounded. In a land where winters would kill no matter how well a person covered up, I could go outside dressed as though it was summer. Often, if I was in a room for more than an hour, the windows would be frosted over when I left. Sometimes, frozen footsteps would follow me as I toured the grounds. The kinder of the gossips whispered that their prince had somehow captured the spirit of winter, that any child born would have the power to end our cursed cycle of ice and sun.

The Queen Mother was afraid of me, and made no secret of it. She refused to be seen with me, refused to even eat at the same table as I did. Akio tried to talk to her about it, but she refused to even speak of me unless she had to. Our marriage was against her express wishes and we were doing it without her blessing.

One of my maids was waiting for me, watching as I examined my reflection in the mirror, a mirror that was edged with frost. "Milady," she said finally, eyes carefully fixed on the floor, "If we are to be on time, we must leave now."

"All right," I replied, turning away from the girl I didn't recognize.

*****

"You're doing it again, Eir," Akio said, laying on the grass next to me. The king of our country always made time for picnics, no matter how harsh the rumors about me had become. 

"Doing what?"

"Look."

I sat up. The outline of my body was perfectly traced out by a ring of frost. Frowning, I tried to rub it away, to melt it, but that only froze more of the new spring grass. "What am I?" I whispered, forcing the words past the self-loathing in my throat.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm a freak, Akio. You know that I am. Everyone knows. They're saying that I'm a witch, that I ensnared you, forced you to marry me."

"Nonsense."

Tears gathered in the corners of my eyes, threatening to spill over. He always dismissed my fears about what I was, my concerns about what the people were saying. To him, I was his queen and the woman he loved. That was good enough. "Is it, though? I still don't remember where I came from, why I was in the ice. I don't even know who I was before the ice."

Akio propped himself up on an elbow, meeting my eyes. "Eir, stop. You are beautiful, and unique. The rumors about you are from petty people who have nothing better to do, that's all. As to where you came from, I'm sure you will find out someday. But we will find out together."

The tears began streaming down my cheeks, only to freeze in tiny droplets as they fell to the ground. "I don't have a heartbeat."

That made his eyes widen. "What are you talking about?"

"I don't have a heartbeat. I can hold my breath for longer than a council meeting. Whatever I am, whatever I was, I wasn't human."

"Don't be ridiculous. I've felt your heart beating, watched as you breathed at night."

"Look." I picked up one of the knives we'd used with our meal, cutting my fingertip. Pain was something as foreign to me as the chocolate imported from our neighboring country, and there was no blood. My skin had retained the slightly-blue tinge that had colored it when I was in the ice. No amount of sunlight would darken it.

Akio stared at me, horror written across his features. "Eirwen," he whispered.

My tears were coming faster now. I regretted it, losing the only person who had ever truly loved me, but he had to know the truth. He had to know that I wasn't human. For his own protection.

"I'm sorry, Akio," I replied, getting to my feet. And I was sorry. Sorry for the pain I'd put him through, for the rift between him and his mother, for allowing him to waste years of his short life on me. "I have to go."

Closing my ears to his cries, I turned and began to walk into the forest, tears freezing the fabric of my dress.

He gripped my arm, spinning me around. "Eirwen, stop. Please. I love you." I met Akio's eyes, blurred through my tears. "Don't leave. Please. Stay here, with me."

"I-I can't, Akio." I was shivering again, though I was not cold. "Let go."

In response, he pulled me closer, pressing his lips to mine. For a moment, he was warm and soft, the Akio I loved. The Akio that could almost convince me to stay. 

But it wasn't to be. I twisted away, turning to leave. His hand grasped at my arm for a moment, then became cold. Horrified, I pulled away, hearing a dreadful cracking noise. Akio stood before me, transformed. A perfect replica of himself, carved out of the clearest ice. Forever reaching for something dangerous, something he loved but couldn't have.

*****

I know why I was in the lake. The lake and I had an agreement. It would take all my memories, and in return, I would freeze it, keeping away the animals and people. I would keep the people from growing too strong, from venturing too close to the lands that the lake protected. And every hundred years, I would find someone to love me, someone who had a chance at thawing my frozen, cursed heart. But not this hundred years. 

For now, though, I sank into the waters, relishing the comforting cold, the friendly darkness. The safety that came with forgetting. And everything faded away.